Well, where do I start, ho hum...
I was born on the 6th of August 1988. I'm told my father was a high ranked army general and my mother was a blacksmith from London.
Anyways, enough about them. When I was 3 weeks old my parents gave me to the Russian circus in exchange for a tub of free popcorn and front row seats. So for the first few years of my life I was brought up in the circus. I spent most of my days trying to learn a trade and my only friends were Sammy the Chimpanzee and Winston the angst ridden clown.
Over time I developed into quite the circus performer. My juggling skills were second to none and I was amazing on the tight rope. I was ten years old when it was decided I was ready to debut as "Death Defying Kelly."
Well, we rolled into this small but lively Hungarian town. I was so excited, this was it, this was the night the 10 years of cleaning elephant shit, going hungry and being the target in the clowns pie throwing practise would finally pay off. The time to perform came and you should have seen me. I stole that fucking show! The crowd loved me, I was applauded, and asked to continue my act. I was zee shit! It was the greatest feeling ever, to have 1673 Hungarian inbreds with shiffy eyes chanting your name over and over...
Anyways, those wankstains from circus got a little jealous of my success, in fact they were green with envy. I tried to explain to them that I couldn't help it if I fucking rocked, but they would have none of it! They beat poor little me up and left me to fend for myself in the middle of Hungary.
I was scavaging food by the road one day when a giant car pulled up beside me. Inside the car was a kindly Latvian fellow named Martin. He took me under his wing and looked after me for the next few years of my life. I indeed lived the life of luxory, a pampered little princess I was. Alas, Martin was old and two years ago he passed away peacefully in his sleep. I was devestated by this, even more so when I found out that in his will he had left all his belongings to Ivana, his personal porn star look-alike maid, who used to make sweet lurve to Martin, for extra wage of course!
In my destress I fled to England where I walked the street for several months, on the brink of death myself. Then, one night as I lay slumped in an alley a flash of light appeared and a voice said, "Get up young one, get up. Life is not done for you just yet. Go North, there you will find a man called Master Egbert, he will guide you."
So, I mustered all my stength and headed north, until I found Master Egbert. Master Egbert, as it turned out was like a Pro Wrestling God. He took me under his wing as his apprentice and taught me everything he knew. Soon I got my love of live back, I began to thrive off Master Egbert's teachings and harsh lifestyle. It made me feel more alive than I ever had done in my entire life.
Obviously, life couldn't stay so grand for me. Master Egbert fell gravely ill and became bed ridden, which broke his heart as he doesn't believe in beds (concrete floors for that bad ass mofo baby!!!)
As he lay there in the bed I said, "Master, isn't there anything I can do?" and Master Egbert replied, "Yes my child, there is. I need money, the only thing that will cure me is to have many high class prostitues come to me on a regular basis and plenty of crack cocaine. I need you to go out into the world my child, go out into the world and make money. Wrestle! Any buy me these things if you want me to live..."
And that folks, is a basic rundown of my life so far and the reason as to why I wrestle.
